Sheriff or Scientist?

Neither really; Joe Arpaio proves his incompetence as Sheriff fairly often, but only occasionally does he demonstrate his uselessness in other professions, this time it’s forensic science. In a press conference earlier this spring, Arpaio disclosed the long awaited evidence verifying the forgery of President Obama’s birth certificate.

Arpaio and his “cold case posse” started their scientific method like any other, with a control document, an authentic birth certificate, right? Incorrect. They started with their own creation, a computer-generated and computer-printed document similar to a real birth certificate. They then compared their control document with the White House’s supposed original scan of Obama’s birth certificate, observed optimization differences, and made their decisive conclusion:

The birth certificate they created is authentic while the White House’s scan is a fake!

Seem fallacious? Don’t worry, they went on to announce that their results were confirmed by several “graphic experts” and “forensic document examiners”. The identities of course, were not provided and if I had to guess, they probably don’t own any birth certificates.

Simply put, What The F*ck Joe!?

How Come Everybody’s Hiding This?

Sheriff Joe Arpaio recently wrote the Selective Services System, requesting President Obama’s registration card for his volunteer “cold case posse” to play detective and determine the authenticity and furthermore Barack Obama’s eligibility to run for president…almost four years ago? The Selected Services replied as you might expect, no.

Richard Flahavan, associate director of public affairs at the Selective Services later comments, “this agency has no evidence that President Obama’s 1980 registration is not authentic. However, if you have any credible evidence to the contrary and believe that a Federal crime has been committed, we suggest that it be turned over immediately to the Federal Bureau of Investigation to pursue.”

Unbelievably ignorant of the Selective Services reasonable response, Arpaio immediately writes back, “please allow me to clarify my original request, sent march 19, which asks for a simple response from you. If your office has the original authentic Selective Services registration form for Barack Obama from July 29, 1980, please indicate whether or not you have possession of this document. If the document is in your possession, please make it available for inspection by my Sheriff’s Office investigators. We will travel to your facility to analyze it.”

Besides Arpaio’s unfamiliarity with simple sentence structure and grammar, he proves again that he is truly is the “toughest sheriff” in the country. “Toughest” of course, is just a polished term for ill-mannered.

Following another rejection from the Selective Services, Arpaio attempts to push partial responsibility upon GOP presidential candidates, claiming numerous politicians including GOP candidates are “hiding” this issue of Obama’s eligibility.

During an interview with radio host Aaron Klein of WABC, Arpaio comments, “I’ve had presidential candidates visit me in my office. I’ve talked to every one of them. I don’t see anybody talking about this. I don’t see any senators talking about this.”

“How come everybody’s hiding this?”

You really want to know Joe? If you realized what ever politician, every senator throughout the country thought of you and your birther movement, you would realize how fucking crazy you are. That’s why they aren’t talking about it.      What The F*ck Joe!?

Round up Them Texas Rangers

If you didn’t know better, one might assume Sheriff Joe Arpaio attended some public speaking classes with fellow republicans Rick Perry & George W. Bush. You could also easily assume Joe Arpaio agrees with Texas Governor Rick Perry’s statement, “Bush did an incredible job, in the presidency, defending us from freedom.” The statement itself is indeed true, nonetheless these are not the reasons Arpaio has chosen to endorse Rick Perry as the Republican Presidential Candidate.

“I’m endorsing Rick Perry because we need a tough-on-crime president who will champion and fund full-time border security operations from Brownsville to San Diego” Arpaio states. Concluding that “he’s out there right now, he’s not just talking, he’s doing the job. He has a lot of resources that he sent to the border.”

These resources, Arpaio clarifies enviously , are the one and only Texas Rangers Rick Perry has called upon to protect the Texas-Mexico Border. These lawless Lonestar riders of the early west have returned on bareback to fight off Mexican drug cartels.

Sheriff Joe remains hopeful, that after every rootin-tootin Mexican Outlaw is outta-his country, him and his Cold Case Posse can sit down side by side at the Rusty Spur Saloon with Perry and his Texas Rangers.

But in all seriousness, have you listened to Rick Perry?  Just a few unintelligent statements stumbling out of his mouth are more than enough to realize he’s even slightly more oblivious than Bush. What The F*ck Joe?

It Was Only $100 Million?

A six month invesigation conducted by county budget officials concluded in Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his department misspending nearly $100 million over his last eight years in office. The frivolous funds were divided between the detention source from which $84.7 million were mislaid and the remaining $14.8 million from the inmate-services fund. 100,000,000 dollars- misspent, vanished, accidentally misplaced?

A news conference followed the initial report, where supposedly unaware Board Supervisors filled Joe Arpaio’s predictable absence with apologies and misconstrue answers. Supervisor Mary Rose Wilcox includes, “Taxpayers are looking at us and saying, ‘How in the hell did it happen?’”

Yes. Yes we are. The governing board’s best answer lies in the “discrepancies” that have existed throughout the years between sheriff’s department employee’s actual duties and the duties reported in county payroll records. They also alleged as employees were transferred around the agency, the payroll records were not updated, resulting in the dreadful deficiency.

Supervisor Andy Kunasek truthfully advised, “ I don’t think this was all an unfortunate mistake,but I think those people will be dealt with if there was intentional misconduct.”

Unfortunately, Joe Arpaio was too busy being the notoriously “tough sheriff” that he is to comment or release the usual insincere apology. It was only $100 million, right? What The F*ck Joe!?

Maricopa Moles

The surprising conclusion to a year long smuggling investigation conducted by the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department left Sheriff Joe Arpaio in awe: 3 of the 12 smugglers arrested were MCSD officers. Deputy Alfredo Navarette, a 10 year veteran of Arpaio’s human smuggling unit, was arrested after his raided apartment housed two illegal immigrants. Marcella Hernandez and Sylvia Najera, two county correctional officers were also arrested with ties to the smuggling ring. Hernandez was eight months pregnant with the child of Francisco Arce-Torres, the organization’s ringleader and an associate of Mexico’s infamous Sinaloa Cartel.

Reports claim the organization pushed roughly $56,000 of heroin into the city every week, and that each of the arrested officers played a vital role in keeping the operation unbeknown to the Sheriff’s Department.

Arpaio comments on Navarette’s binary smuggling knowledge, “He repeatedly supplied details about the illegal-immigration crime-suppression operation to leaders of the drug-trafficking organization.”

A fourth suspect also played a role in Sheriff Joe’s department, that suspect is ignorance. Perhaps Joe was preoccupied with illegal immigrant hunts & restaurant raids, or possibly playing hide and seek with his department’s funds. Whatever the reason, this might be one of those situations you consider the potentiality before it happens. Fortunately, it only took a year long {$2.9 million of heroin} investigation to put these double-crossing criminals behind bars. Wtf Joe.

Child Molestation A Crime?

For nearly three years, Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his department neglected more than four hundred, yes you heard correctly, {400} criminal cases, varying widely from child molestation, rape & murder, to lesser crimes of theft and assault. It began in 2005 when the unorganized, ill-equipped police station of El Mirage, a working class suburb, was disbanded and henceforth hired the Sheriff’s Department to provide police & protective services. The city contracted these services at 2.7 million dollars for just over two and half years, resulting in a much higher amount than the department deserved. Throughout the Sheriff’s duration in El Mirage, over four hundred cases were filed with little or no investigation, gathering of evidence or any additional police work. The crime of neglecting these crimes went undiscovered until the reestablishment of El Mirage Police Department in 2007, and the deficient files were recovered by detective Jerry Laird. For several months, Arpaio’s office refused to answer questions concerning the cases and declined a request for public records in regards to an internal affairs report. Eventually, Brian Sands, one of Arpaio’s top officials responsible for the expected discipline of employees concluded, “There are policy violations that have occurred. It’s obvious, But I can’t comment on who or what.”

The toughest man in town then drew harsh condemnation from the expected critics, the democratic lawmakers and human rights activists that have long opposed his law enforcement viewpoint. But he was also scolded by fellow republicans, state Senators John McCain & Jon Kyle who both agreed the injustices of the sheriff’s department were appalling, “Victims of abuse not only deserve the respect of law enforcement, but their rights must also be protected throughout the criminal process.”

Sheriff Joe’s response to this and other criticism did not differ from previously heartless and passive apologies.

“If there were any victims, I apologize to those victims.”

What The F*ck Joe!? If there were any victims, you apologize? There were over four hundred victims, children molested, women raped, people murdered. And you apologize?! WTF Joe.

Death Sentence Part III

Brian Crenshaw, a legally blind man forty years of age was serving a short shoplifting sentence in Tent City during the spring of 2005. After a lunch line altercation with officers, the reportedly docile Crenshaw was moved to solitary confinement. Before the transfer, Crenshaw claimed several of the officers threw him against a wall and beat him profusely. He reported his injuries to the jail medical personnel where his eyes and nose were slightly sutured. Still in agony, he was placed in his solitary cell.

On the sixth day of his solitary confinement, the officers entered his cell to find Crenshaw unconsciously lying beside his bunk. In addition to his comatose state, he suffered a broken neck, several broken toes, ruptured intestines and a fractured vertebrae. Needless to say, Brian Crenshaw died days later.

Chris Hayes of CBS 5 asked Joe Arpaio, “Is it possible your guards beat Brian Crenshaw to death.”

“Is it possible?” Arpaio’s arrogance answers. “No, they did not, they did not, and if that’s what your critics, or that you’re insinuating we went into that cell block and beat him up and threw him to the floor is ridiculous. We did a thorough investigation on that.

“The man fell off a bunk.”

A bunk of 4’2″, that is. A four foot fall can break a man’s neck, toes & intestines?

What The F*ck Joe!?

Death Sentence Part II

Charles Agster, a mentally handicapped man 33 years of age was arrested one late August night in 2001. In and out of a psychiatric hospital, Agster suffered from severe paranoia and had the mental capacity of an average 12 year old. Arrested for refusing to leave a convenience store and admitting to have taking methamphetamines, Agster was taken to Madison Street jail where a spit mask was placed over his face, while he was brutally confined to the county jail’s restraint chair. A loss of consciousness followed a dramatic sequence of uncontrollable seizures. After being released, Agster was taken to the hospital where we was declared brain dead. Three days later, Charles’ parents removed their son from life support.

Concluding a seven week trial against the county, the sheriff’s department, and the Correctional Health Services, the Agster family was awarded $9 million. Throughout the trial, the Agster family and jurors alike viewed the jail’s agonizing video tape of Charles’ last 45 minutes of consciousness, as well as the fifteen minutes CHS nurse Betty Lewis took contemplating whether or not to perform CPR after discovering Agster wasn’t breathing. Yes, 15 minutes.

Joe Arpaio defended his officers in a written statement “My officers did not cause this man to die.” He also points out the jury only levied $1 against each of the nine detention officers involved in the incident. Due to Arpaio’s unsurprising absence at the trial, he did not witness Michael Manning’s {the Agster’s attorney} closing statement in which he asked the jury to return $1 judgments against the officers because of their lack of training. He included, “They performed two to 13 chairings every night in the Madison Street jail and not one of those people have ever been trained on how to do it safely without killing someone… So that’s why I asked the jury to assess a dollar to each of those detention officers and to lay the wood to the MCSO. {Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office}”

Despite the $4.5 million out of MCSO’s pocket, Sheriff Joe Arpaio awarded each of the nine officers involved in the Agster incident with promotions.

What The F*ck Joe. WTF.